Bachelorhood
20 Sep
A famous writer, satirist, and social critic once famously stated: ”Bachelors know more about women than married men; for if they didn’t they would be married.”
Men of the Western World, confronted with a civilization full of entitled, selfish, “empowered” women who have been indoctrinated with the lie that “you can have it all”, are heeding such wise words. With marriage to the modern women being akin to indentured servitude, men are opting for an alternative path in life. That trail leads them to the classic and celebrated tradition of bachelorhood.
Men of generations of old would dedicate themselves to the family – a noble pursuit. But today, with the modern advent of a discriminatory family law system which strips men not only of their property, paycheck, and custody of their child, they are wisely seeking out a different institution. This alternative, bachelorhood, has men dedicating their souls to a higher pursuit; a pursuit that is not necessarily the family.
Just as bachelors of old would preside over the family company, seek academic excellence, or take a vow of celibacy to join the church, men these days are finding similar pursuits. Although some men are falling short – victims of video games and other forms of modern bread and circuses – those who find their way through this swampland of distractions find fulfilling lifestyles.
How is bachelorhood something that is American? Freedom, Liberty, and Independence. Things that are American.
Bachelorhood. Rain. Corn. Whisky. Sex. America
Written by: Euripides
(The opinions expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the positions held by all Americans or TTAA)
Tags: Bachelorhood, Family, Feminism, Men
Pride in Very Large Things
14 AugAmericans take pride in having made very large things, like the World’s Largest Frying Pan.
World's largest frying pan
Richard Palmer in the Aug. 3, 2011, issue of the Adams, N.Y., Lure of the Lake (print only) takes pride in a very large, historical cheese:
Of all the events that have ever occurred in this small community over the past 175 years, the story of [Col. Thomas] Meacham and his cheese is probably the most noteworthy. In fact, the story has long since become legendary and has long been a source of local pride for many generations.
The cheese, produced in 1835 and weighing 1,400 pounds, was moved via 48 gray horses, a canal boat, and various canals and rivers to Washington, D.C., being presented to President Andrew Jackson. Palmer quotes a contemporary account of the Procession of the Cheese in D.C. in November:
The day was truly fine and the most perfect harmony prevailed. Here was to be seen the Divine, the Lawyer, the Physician, and Merchant. Citizens of all classes and of all political parties. But one sentiment prevailed. Gratitude to the man who so eminently fills the chair of the nation. … The scene closed amid the roar of Cannon and the applause of the multitude that assembled to witness the scene.
The cheese was finally eaten three months later to celebrate the birth of George Washington on February 22, 1836. Palmer quotes another contemporary account:
The President, the departments, the Senate, and we, the people, have celebrated it by eating a big cheese! The President’s house was thrown open. The multitude swarmed in. The Senate of the United States adjourned. …
Mr. Van Buren was there to eat cheese. Mr. Webster was there to eat cheese. … The court, the fashion, the beauty of Washington, were all eating cheese. Officers in Washington, foreign representatives in stars and garters, gay, joyous, dashing, and gorgeous women, in all the pride and panoply and pomp of wealth, were there eating cheese.
It was cheese, cheese, cheese. Streams of cheese were going up in the avenue in everybody’s fists. Balls of cheese were in a hundred pockets. Every handkerchief smelt of cheese. The whole atmosphere for half a mile around was infected with cheese.
I feel pride just reading this.
- Post Contributed by Adam Kissel, an American living in Philadelphia, PA.
Cheese. Rain. Corn. Whiskey. Sex. America
Tags: Cheese, Frying Pan, Large Things
On This Day in History
11 Jul
Today is the one year anniversary of an American tragedy. 365 days ago, our hero, the Barefoot Bandit, was captured by the tyrannical hands of the state simply for living his life to the fullest.
Visit History.com for a recap of this American life.
Barefoot Bandit. Rain. Corn. Whiskey. Sex. America
Tags: America, American Life, Bahamas, Barefoot Bandit, History, Life
The Dagwood Sandwich
27 Jun
At lunch in America, a large Scandinavian man gazed across the table and said, “You can only see that in America.” It was a large sandwich wielded by a small man. “I want to see how you eat that.” It was multilayered with several helpings each of bread, meat, tomato, and more.
The small man had experience and, using an appropriate amount of pressure, smashed the edges of one side of the sandwich just enough to grasp it between his jaws. The Scandinavian man’s mouth went ajar but still would not have been able to reproduce the feat.
Another man at the table pointed out that Americans do not need to unhinge their jaws like snakes in order to eat their sandwiches. I alerted the Scandinavian to the fact that eating Dagwood Sandwiches is indeed one of the Things That Are American.
- Post Contributed by Adam Kissel, an American living in Philadelphia, PA.
Rain. Corn. Wiskey. Sex. America
Tags: America, Scandinavian, Snake, The Dagwood Sandwich
PETA: People for an End to America
21 Dec
After much deliberation we here at Things That Are American (TTAA.com) have finally decided upon the most un-American organization in the country. No, it is not some anti-logging organization in the backwoods of Oregon, or some hippy organization that meets bi-weekly at your local trendy coffee shop. No, this organization is far more dangerous to the framework of America than some tree-hugging earth humpers. This organization wants to do away with a basic component of human composition: Meat.
Since its founding in March of 1980, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has embarked on a crusade to destroy the American dream of a heaping helping of twice baked potatoes and a 16oz prime rib in a dining room lined with hunting prizes and a bearskin rug. Don’t let their name deceive you. It’s not just the Michael Vicks of the world that PETA is out to get, but also every man that wishes to teach his boy how to hunt; every woman that desires to wear a mink jacket; every butcher who depends on dead animals for his sustenance; every rodeo clown who loves to toy with an angry bull; and every man, woman and child who enjoys the taste of barbecue sauce on top of a slow-cooked, full-rack of ribs.
And PETA’s America-hating bash does not end there. They also glorify a Brit on their website when they quote “Sir” Paul McCartny (as if “Sir” means anything to an American) who says, “If anyone wants to save the planet, all they have to do is just stop eating meat.”
Well, to put it in a way that PETA and their British comrades might understand, that is “bollocks.”
As every good American knows, eating meat is the one thing that keeps the world spinning. It gives us protein, which is necessary to build muscles and make flat spaces; it brings families together like no salad bowl or head of lettuce can; and, to put it bluntly, it makes life worth living. What’s the most common wish from a prisoner on death row for his or her last meal? Easy, steak and potatoes.
For these reasons and many more TTAA.com recognizes PETA as the most un-American organization in existence.
