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Top 25 Americans

Top 25 Americans Ever:

1) Dave Thomas

Born on a very American Day (July 2nd: The anniversary of the day the decision was made to declare independence), Dave Thomas popped out of the womb an American. Some might say Col. Harland Sanders should take the top spot, but don’t listen to them, they probably don’t know what it means to be an American. Dave Thomas is an American and American’s make Hamburgers. Also, it’s a little known fact, but Dave was responsible for the success the Colonel had at KFC. His family owned a portion of the company and Dave turned it around by suggesting less choices on the menu. A very American thing to suggest. Real American’s don’t like too many choices. Thinking and eating are indeed, for most real Americans, mutually exclusive. Dave turned the company into a profit machine and then sold his share back to the Colonel for a profit. Very American.

He also, of course, founded Wendy’s.  Who doesn’t love a calorie packed Chocolate Frosty to wash down two juicy, succulent, Baconators? The French, that’s who. American’s love Baconators. And Frosties.

Let’s not forget that Dave also owns the most American of all world records: The record for most TV commercial appearances. 800. American.

He also was in the Army.

And dropped out of High School.

And had two first names.

Dave Thomas. An American, and’s most American Man in world history.

2) Billy Currington

The popular country music artist sits close to the top of our top 25 list at #2. Such songs as “Good Directions”, “People are Crazy”, and “Pretty Good at Drinking Beer” helped shoot our boy Billy to the top of the charts. Aside from their catchy country tunes (country music is the most American music), all of Billy Boy’s songs contain important American messages. “Good Directions” helps teach young men that the way to pursue a purty woman is to be kind, offer an excellent venue for sweet tea, and of course to get yourself a flatbed truck and sell turnips.

“People Are Crazy” and “Pretty Good at Drinking Beer” are fine examples of an American’s love for bud light, God, and of course the crazy people. It is also very important to note that Billy Currington was born and raised in Georgia, the last of the Thirteen Colonies and the 4th State to Ratify the Constitution (Extremely Fucking American). Billy Currington is one American that all patriots need to be listening to; he is in fact the 2nd greatest American of all time.

3) Willie Nelson

Willie Nelson is our #3 greatest American of all time, and the 2nd country singer to squeeze into the top five (Country Music is unbelievably American). Willie Nelson, born in 1933, has been serving America right for over 70 years. In high school Willie joined the Future Farmers of America organization, and later went on to study agriculture at Baylor University in 1954.

One of the few things that are more American than studying how to properly cultivate our fine American soil would have to be joining the military. So in 1951 Willie joined the Air force, but was discharged after only nine months due to the common American health issue, back problems.

Willie Nelson was well on his way to the Top 25 Americans list before he even became famous.

After joining the military and grabbing an education Willie pursued his music career intensely and the rest is history. He found success in songwriting, singing, acting, and of course with his popular group of the eighties, the Highwaymen. The Highwaymen included Waylon Jennings, Kris Kristofferson, Johnny Cash, and Willie himself. The Highwaymen achieve platinum record status and toured worldwide. From then on Willie continued to perform and acted in movies. Some of Willie’s movies include, “Gone Fishin’”, “Half Baked”, “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”, and “The Dukes of Hazzard”; all of which are American Classics. Few Americans have accomplished so much while staying so fucking American for over 70 years, and that is why Willie found his place at #3 on the Top 25 Americans list.

4) Bobby Knight

Having won 902 NCAA Divison I basketball games (a record), The General is one of the most decorated college basketball coaches in American history. He’s won 3 NCAA National Championships, he’s won an Olympic Gold Medal, and he is quite possibly the most loved and most popular person to come out of the great American state of Indiana since Johnny Appleseed died in March of 1845.

But it’s not his basketball accomplishments that make The General American. It’s his “fuck you,” middle finger to the man, attitude.

A 1988 Sports Illustrated Article by Rick Telander does a pretty good job of listing and describing The General’s American attitude:

Knight assaults a policeman and doesn’t show for the trial; Knight stuffs a fan into a trash barrel; Knight throws a chair; Knight kicks a cheerleader’s megaphone; Knight pulls his team off the court. And his idolaters say, hey, that’s just Bobby.

During his tenure he also did one of the most American things that can be done: Piss off Women’s groups nationwide. On April 19th, 1988, during an interview with Connie Chung, The General Responded to a question by saying “I think that if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.” This comment didn’t sit well with a lot of women across the country who wished to ignore the fact that he was obviously joking. Be that as it may, he was given a slap on the wrist by Indiana University President Thomas Ehrlich and continued on with his life.

To this day Bob Knight is still worshiped in the state of Indiana and on the Campus of Indiana University despite his firing by the University in 2000 for being too American.

5) Nolan Bushnell (founder of Atari and Chuck E. Cheese)

6) George Washington

7) The Turtle Man

8)) Dale Peterson

9) Bill Nye

10) Al Bundy

11) Hugh Hefner

12) Jimmy Buffet

13) John Deere

14) Brett Favre

15) Wayne Brady

16) Wesley Snipes

Going to jail for tax evasion is real American.

17) Ted Nugent

“I don’t like repeat offenders, I like dead offenders.”

18) Babe Ruth

19) Andrew Jackson

Because killing Indians is the oldest American pastime.

(Note: in no way supports the killing of Indians)

20) Benjamin Franklin

21) Mike Ditka

mike ditka

22) The Barefoot Bandit

23) Rosa Parks

While a lot of other people were standing up for their rights Rosa Parks  sat down for hers, which is a very American way to be politically “active.”

24) Ronnie Barrett

Born in Tennessee, Ronnie Barrett (Barrett is a fairly common first name in the US that means “dispute”  graduated from High School with the American dream of never going to college. He began his career as a photographer which led to an inspiring photograph of a speedboat with two of the largest available military machine guns mounted to it. Soon after, he barricaded himself in his garage and emerged after creating the first American civilian rifle capable of shooting the maximum size legal round for a non-sporting Title In small arms under the U.S. National Firearms Act. What he had in fact made was simply the biggest gun shooting the largest caliber bullets that it is legal to own in this country, so naturally he took it to Texas to show it off. He quickly became one of the only 4 Americans to have their firearms adopted by the US military. Barrett rifles were bought by various military and police forces from at least 30 other countries creating a solid financial foundation for Barrett Firearms mfg. The city of Los Angeles, whose police department owns and uses the guns, banned the sale of this enormous gun after each of the city councilmen committed a felony by handling a non-representative “assault” version of the rifle. Since then Ronnie has started a campaign against the slow disarmament of citizens by refusing to service the rifles of the police departments where the gun has been banned and writing an open letter to US citizens in which he says that by doing so “I am in the proud and fortunate position that many of our forefathers were in when they risked all for our liberties.”

25) Tiger Woods

Because infidelity is totally American and nobody is better at it than Tiger Woods.

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